Bansi, the umbilical calf

4th July 2020

Preface : On my usual night feeding round for the street dogs outside my society, i saw 3 littlr calves, wandering. I hadn’t seen them before, and of course they had been abandoned while their mother was being milked. They were hungry. Two of them ate, but Bansi, was blinded in one eye, still had his umbilical cord hanging, and wouldn’t eat. In last, I fed him with my hands, and I realised he still doesn’t how to eat.

3 days… Today

They took away Bansi.

I woke up this morning, feeling not so fearful, no nightmares and no feelings. It was a absent

minded day, and instead what did I do? I worked, put in all my focus to work, but it felt like

my legs wanted to run away. It was so difficult holding onto that chair, while I did my desk

job.

The day still passed by and it was time to choose, whether to go or cannot go. I chose the

latter as usual, typical of such days. Although the cure of such days is going there at the

farm, it is my happy place. But no, is it the cure I run away from, or the change that feels liks

a task.

I saw him lying there, wagging his tail, touched his head, rushed to my room, and said “ i will

just be back, (and we will play) in the head. I came to my room, and in a rush to go back and

spend time with Mac, I cried fast, changed fast, and thought it all through fast, and that took

about half an hour.

Back downstairs, I asked for some coffee and food and laid out the ludo board, played ludo.

Had coffee, finished the game, and it is time.

While doing this everyday, I think about who will eat how much today, and what to give to

whom first, so took biscuits esp for Bansi, on my way, I asked the Guard to keep the

biscuits aside, so in the end I can decide who needs the biscuits but it was for Bansi. We

feed everyone, spoke to the people here and there. I was still looking for Bansi, walked end

to end of the road, and then asked the vegetable vendors who sometimes help me feed the

bulls, if they had seen a white calf. And Wham!! He says, “Municipality people took him to a

Goshala today morning” and I asked which one ? How stupid of me, they are not bothered

where are they taken as long as they are taken but they will answer anyways, “they took him

to goverdhan, no, ral goshala”. I said “OK”.

And he was gone, on the way back I spoke to the Guard and people if anyone knew who

called Muncipality people to pick up the calf and bulls. He had no idea and he returns the

biscuit packet. I said keep it, I got it for Bansi, but he is gone now. One last, “ I asked, do

they actually take care?”

Being happy that he will be fed, being anxious that humans can do so much wrong, being

distraught that my baby was taken away, being helpless that I could not be with him, being

overthoughtful if he was pulled or dragged onto the truck, being greedy for more money, so I

could one day have enough land food to feed them all, and being broken for losing a part of

me again. It happens so often, that people find it dramatic. But this is the most important part of me,

being able to feel to connect to love so much that life breathes in me. Yet again, they said,

“now will you keep thinking about Bansi?” How do I make them understand, what it feels

like? The thoughts, the presumptions, the fear, the emotions, the life that breathed in me.

And with this, the story ends.

Happy stories, fairytales but with an ending so incomplete, I feel lost.